So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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