just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
