Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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