my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Randomize
