About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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