I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
