You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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