Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
