Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
