so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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