I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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