oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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