hotel room ftw
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
