I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize
