the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
