i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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