I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
