i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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