walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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