Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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