I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Randomize
