I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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