I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
