nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
