you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
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