I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
