why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
