I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
