Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Randomize
