There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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