Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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