And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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