Im at strip club and am horny
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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