some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
