He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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