**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
