Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
