she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
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