So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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