Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
