I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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