sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
