I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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