Pants 0. Shit 1.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Randomize
