Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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