I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
