im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
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