I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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