So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
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