I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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