hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
We left an ass print on the piano.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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