____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
