She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
