Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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