Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
