He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize