Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize