Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
