dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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