He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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