Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I just gargled with NyQuil
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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