its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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