Betty ford says i'm here all night
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
